Headmaster L Jackson
by SolitaryPerfectionist
Summary: Harry goes to Hogwarts, eyes wide with wonder. Why? Because at last he finally will meet the infamous Headmaster! Poor thing. He's in for quite a shock. (Language Warning)
1. Year 1

**Hogwarts-Year One**

Harry gazed upon the semi-feral, but indubitably majestic form that was the headmaster of Hogwarts. The man himself stood around 6'2 in height, wearing a long, black, leather coat. There was the disturbing matter of the eye patch, but Harry managed to avoid gawking at it. Soon, he hoped he would find out why the headmaster of Hogwarts was so revered.

"Silence." he called. It was a bit of a lackadaisical performance, that Harry wasn't very impressed by. Evidently, none of the other students were either. The chatter continued. The headmaster leaned against the back of his chair, stroking his brow in annoyance.

"If I hear another _goddamn_ _sqeak_ coming out of your lil green butts, I'm gonna have you thrown out to the fucking dogs. You understand?"

Harry was quite taken aback. The entire hall was silent.

"Yeah that's what I thought." he grinned widely. "Now. I've got a few announcements to make. First off, welcome to Hogwarts and all that jazz. Second! Keep. Your goddamn. Ass. Out of the fucking forest. It's _ridiculous_ that I gotta keep telling you this. For god's sake, it' called the Forbidden Forest. _The Forbidden-fucking-Forest!_ I mean come on this is some fucked up shit that I have to keep telling you. Second I don't wanna hear nothing about one of yall tiny muthafucka's wandering into the third floor. I will _never_ forgive your ass for that shit. You hear me?"

Every head in the hall nodded. Harry was horrified.

"Good. Now this year we got Squirrel or something teaching you muthafuckas how to wave your sticks in some fancey-dancey ways to keep people from trying to kill yo ass."

"A-ah Y-es, I-" The man in the turban began stumbling over his words, as he rose from his chair.

"Excuse you." The defense teacher stared at him questioningly. "I'm sorry, I don't remember asking you a _goddamn_ thing. Please. Continue"

"R-right as I was s-saying-"

"Man your ass takes to damn long, shut the hell up." The trembling professor stared at his accusing finger.

"And the rest of you, get the hell outta my goddamn house."

The hall quickly disappeared. If there was one thing that was for certain, it was that no one would be visiting the Forbidden Forests. Or the third corridor. Or anywhere near the general vicinity of the headmasters office.

A few months later, Quirrel had mysteriously vanished. Something about "Two faced" and "Bazooka" with a great deal of expletives.

The purebloods didn't really get it.


	2. Year 2

**Hogwarts- Year Two**

"Sick. Fucking sick is what this shit is."

"If only I had been there. I know th-"

"Shut the fuck up you blonde-ass muthafucka. If I wanted you to talk, I'd stick my hand in your goddamn mouth and move it like a puppet. YOU HEAR ME?"

"W-what?"

"SAY 'WHAT' AGAIN. SAY 'WHAT' AGAIN. I DARE YOU. I _DOUBLE-DARE YOU_. SAY WHAT ONE MORE GODDAMN TIME MUTHAFUCKA." The headmaster yelled.

"Wha-"

-End of Commission-

A few days later, Gilderoy Lockhart resigned from his position. Strange, he was never seen without his trusty hooded cloak again.

Also it was a bit weird seeing the headmaster covered in some sort of green slime and...was that blood?

In the history of the school, no one had heard so much profanity aimed at serpents and diaries.


	3. Year 3

**Hogwarts-Year 3**

It had been a solid 2 years and every student in the school was absolutely terrified of the headmaster. The question "Why isn't he sacked yet" had been asked, many, many, times.

The answer was quite simple.

No man sent to fire the esteemed headmaster had ever returned the same. The worse case up to date was Lucious Malfoy. On other news, Draco Malfoy had transferred to Durmstrung. Something about 'being scared for his safety'.

"Ooh this year's gonna be fucked up, I'm telling you. You may be wondering what those black ghosty things are right? They're called Doomantlers or some shit like that. These muthafuckas will suck your goddamn soul out if you even _look at them_ wrong. We got prison breaks, mass murderers on the loose. And we've got a muthafuckin _werewolfi_ to teach you fancy wand waving! How sick is that?"

Immediately, numerous protests broke out. Considering each and every single one of the students were terrified of the headmaster, it was really quite courageous. If not suicidal.

"UH UH UH, EXCUSE ME! DOES ANYONE OF YOU MUTHAFUCKAS GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?" The protests began to taper off quickly. "I SAID 'DOES ANYONE OF YOU MUTHAFUCKAS GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT'?"

The hall had now morphed into something the headmaster loved. Stark. Fucking. Silence.

"Yeah that's what I thought."

A glimpse at the newly appointed defense professor would show a man who looked like he was about to be sick.

Eventually, the headmaster got pissed off (Big surprise) and not a single dementor survived to tell the tale.

Also the Minister of magic released a full pardon to a formerly accused mass-murderer. Poor bugger was shaking like a dog covered in fleas.


End file.
